Relationship Advice

Purnell's 9th graders have spent time learning about relationships.  Read our most recent blog post to learn more about building strong relationships, healthy and unhealthy relationships, relational aggression, how technology affects relationships, and how Purnell helps girls build strong relationships.

How do you build strong friendships?
To build a strong friendship be honest, listen to one another and keep lines of communication open. If you have something to tell your friend, you should tell her instead of just keeping it to yourself or else you will have some sort of conflict going on.  Even if something is difficult to say, it's important to be honest if something's bothering you.  True friends may fight or get mad or have difficult things going on, but it's important to always be able to talk honestly about their issues. 


Friends should be able to give helpful advice and keep promises and secrets.  This helps build trust and respect for each other.  Show you won't let the other person down by always making good decisions about what you say and don't say.  Over time, mutual respect will develop.  Strong relationships are reciprocal, which means that there should be equal give and take.  Sometimes there's more give than take, and people contribute different strengths to each relationships, but good friends have empathy and patience for each other.

Friends may share interests, or have opposite personalities, and you may only do certain activities with certain friends.  It's important to know who you can go to with various needs you may have.

What are the characteristics of ANY healthy relationship?

Characteristics of a healthy relationship consist of care, consideration, and trust.  Strong, healthy relationships need to be reciprocal, which means that both people need to benefit from and contribute to the relationship.  Healthy relationships are important in life because you always need someone to lean on and someone you can trust in your life.  Healthy relationships should make you feel happy, strong, and fulfilled.  Purnell helps build healthy relationships because it is small and it is not hard to find a group of people who have the same interest as you.  At Purnell, it's easier to get to know people on a deeper level, and you know your acquaintances well, too. 

How can relationships become unhealthy? 
Relationships can be unhealthy when there is physical or verbal violence, dishonesty, or if you're too attached (or dependent on someone).  It is not a good sign when someone makes you feel guilty or bad about yourself a lot.  Unhealthy relationships are dangerous because they can make you lose your self-esteem or encourage you to make unhealthy choices.  You can feel used or unloved in unhealthy relationships.  Unhealthy relationships are one-sided, and you might be only giving rather than giving AND taking.  Sometimes people ignore their responsibilities, family, and other friends when they're in unhealthy relationships.

How can I help someone in an unhealthy relationship? 
If someone you know is in an unhealthy relationship you can help her by first talking to her about how much she has changed because of the unhealthy relationship.  Explain your concerns, and describe how healthy relationships should be.  Realize that your friend may get angry at you or not understand right away.  Be patient, don't yell, and prepared to have this conversation more than once.  Avoid talking to others or gossiping about this friend.  You may eventually have to let this friend go if she ignores your relationship too much and it's no longer reciprocal.  If your friend is in real danger, or if it seems like it's too big of a problem for you to solve, speak to a trusted adult who can help you or your friend.

How can the internet and technology positively impact relationships?

The internet can help relationships by giving you a simpler way to keep in touch. It can also be a way to make new friends. There are many ways that you can use technology, not only appropriately, but to your advantage. The first way is networking. Networking is an important skill to learn especially when looking for internships and jobs. Another way that you can use the internet is to learn more information and find new ways to express it. It is a great way to express your creativity and ideas.  You can get to know new people by using social media. You can keep old relationships strong by maintaining contact with people who may live far away through texting, email, and social networking sites.

How can the internet and technology negatively impact relationships?
The internet can also hinder relationships.  You have to be very careful about NOT giving out information or developing relationships with people you don't know online.

You can become dependent on short, impersonal, or shallow communication rather than having deep conversations with friends or spending quality time together.  People can more easily say nasty and evil things on the internet than in person.  Because people don't have to see a person's reaction to relational aggression, they may find it easier to say mean or inappropriate things.  It is also easier to be anonymous online, so people can say mean things without being identified.  Sometimes it's impossible to understand someone's tone or sarcasm when emailing or texting, which can also cause misunderstandings. 

It's important to pretend that you're talking to someone in person when you use technology to communicate so you have empathy for that person.  It will also help you avoid saying anything that you'll regret.  It's also important to remember that when something is emailed, texted, or put on facebook, anyone could see it and it may exist forever.

What is relational aggression? 

Relational aggression is when a person or group of people target another person (or group of people) by saying mean things, excluding her from activities, gossiping about her, or purposely hurting her feelings.  This can happen in person, online, and even without saying anything at all.  Being the target of relational aggression feels lonely, it seems like no one cares, and you feel like you're the only person on the planet being targeted. Almost everyone has been aggressive at one point or another because sometimes people get so overwhelmed that they express it through aggression instead of controlling it in a constructive manor.  Almost everyone knows what it feels like to be a target as well.  When aggression goes on through a for a long period of time it can turn into bullying.

A bystander is a person who watches relational aggression but doesn't do anything about what is going on.  Even though someone who watches isn't being aggressive, she supports the behavior because she's doing nothing.

Power behavior is having the courage to stand up for or with someone who is a target of relational aggression.  Examples of this are leaving the room when someone is gossiping, telling someone to stop making fun of someone else, asking someone to sit with you in the dining hall, privately telling a person that you support her after you witness others targeting her, and telling an adult if you see repeated relational aggression.

There is less relational aggression at Purnell than there are at public schools.  It is not tolerated here.  There are lots of support networks with teachers, advisors, and dorm parents, and there are lots ways to make friends.  We are less concerned about impressing others because at Purnell there are only girls.  There is less focus on how people look or if they're cool or not.  Everyone gets to know everyone else, so if there's ever a problem or rumor it can get resolved easily.  We try to focus on the strengths and positive aspects of others, so we know our classmates on a deeper level.